One of the things that you will have worked out about me if you've been reading these posts for any length of time, is that I have huge admiration for my clients. Some battle conditions like MS, or have life-limiting illnesses like cancer. Some are grieving the loss of loved ones, while others deal with anxiety, experience isolation or live in situations where they feel unsafe.
After 30 years as a counsellor, I sometimes feel like I've heard it all. This is, of course, until a new person walks through my door with the stories that make them unique, and almost immediately I am hooked. As I listen to those stories, and while I take notice of what it is that they want to work on, I usually find myself feeling incredibly privileged that they have chosen to share their vulnerability with me.
One such person is a middle-aged man, who has three young children. In his early forties, he works as a health professional assisting young people during the day, and in his free time follows hobbies which many of us enjoy. He's a prolific gardener for example. He loves reading, catching up with friends, going to gigs or to AFL football games. According to him however, spending time with his children tops all of these things, and is something which he takes seriously and plans for.
More than that, what I notice is that he takes "spending time with his children" to a whole new level. In these days of texting rather than calling, of having one eye on the mobile or the tablet during every conversation that we take part in, his way of doing things is now something which I find quite rare. He's probably what you'd call fairly old-school in the ways that they spend time together. There are no screens involved at all, either for himself or his children, and no one seems particularly concerned about this. On a curriculum day from school recently for example, he was excited by the prospect of spending a whole day with them. On that day they did all sorts of things, from going to the local shops with the pocket-money that they had saved up, to baking cup-cakes, going for a swim at the local pool and sitting down to watch a movie together after a busy day.
I guess what impresses me about these sorts of activities, is that as a parent, he is really involved. He isn't paying someone else to look after them. He doesn't jump in with more money at the shops when the pocket-money is not enough, but he teaches them to work out what it will buy and in fact whether they want to not spend it today, but keep saving until the thing that they had picked out is a possibility. He might not love the idea of an hour in the pool, but he's still sitting on the side aware of what they are all doing and ready to jump in should they need him. To top it off, I think we can all imagine the mess that girls of eight to twelve can create in a kitchen baking cup-cakes and helping to cook dinner, but he's not concerned by that. Rather, he's using that time to have conversations with his children, building friendship, and making room for them to share confidences.
I think that it is this building of friendship, this planning for a future when he is no longer "Daddy" but "Dad" which I most admire. He is setting himself up as someone whom they may no longer play with, but who can become a rock that they can cling to, or even hide behind, when things become difficult as they inevitably will. He's smart enough to know that a relationship takes hard work, failures and successes.
So as you go about your weeks, I think his way of doing things is worth thinking about. If you have kids on school holidays, try putting those screens away, and see what conversation reveals to you, what things you didn't know about your kids. Remember it'll take time and effort, but that's okay, every relationship does. Take care of yourselves and of each other, stay safe, and as always, stay connected.